Something clicked tonight.

I could literally feel the buzzing in my mind as some idea or concept was being broken, changed, morphed into something else. I swear it felt like there was a cloud rising from my crown chakra.

putting the pieces together by first taking things apart.

Time and time again I come to a wall.  It’s great and wonderful to experience progress and feel like I’m catapulting into the future I truly desire. Then, smack! I hit a wall. Then I feel as though I have gone no where and ask myself: why? Why I am here again? What lesson didn’t I learn? What tools am I lacking?

I’ve had a rough month. Since the birth of my last baby, I newly experience (or am aware of) PMS. And when it happens I feel weird. Off. Super and highly sensitive. This month there were too many “Calgon take me away” moments for my taste. And it left me feeling defeated, unenthused, demotivated and in need of a life line. I did get one. I reached out for help. From the hubby, from friends, from The Parent Line, website resources, etc., stitching together a custom made support system that works for me. It helped me, is helping me but that nitty gritty stuff at the root of it all, just annoys me.

But tonight I connected a dot.

all of my stuff.

You know that stuff: the things you really want to change/get rid of/ wish-it-away kind of stuff that you carry along for too many years (bag lady). Well, tonight as I wrote in my journal, asking myself the important questions, a different kind of question came up. What if this stuff is the stuff universes are made of? Just what if all of my stuff is the necessary foundation of my existence? What if my stuff is my black hole? What if this weighty, heavy, deep stuff is the gravitational pull of my existence allowing me to be as expansive and vast as the universe itself? What if everything I believed about my stuff was just a misconception? What if I am round?  What if I am all encompassing and all reaching and all expansive and connected? What if my black hole is the birth place of my own star system? galaxy? universe?

BTW I’ve been watching cosmos: a spacetime odyssey episodes and it really has me thinking. maybe way too much 🙂