I’ve been feeling mostly good lately. And I’m getting more OK with the not-so-good moments.
I remind myself that it keeps my life interesting and meaningful as I create a personal dramatic tale to unweave with hidden gems to discover. Because truly, if I had all the answers now and everything I ever wanted, needed, and all the experiences experienced, what’s the point of living? Or why race to a red light? life is a journey right? not a destination. mmmm….but the destination never did exist did it?
I believe Life is circular and there is no beginning and no end to a circle.
Today I visited a bookstore here called Revolution Books. There were some really deep thought provoking books there. And an earlier version of me would have devoured those books. Give me one of everything please. Fight the Power! Black Power! Power to the People! UNITE!!!!
And as enticing as the titles and book sleeves were, I couldn’t get myself to buy a book. (but I did by a sticker: The mind is like a parachute. It only functions when open.)
I really wanted a book to call down from the shelves “Take me home”. But honestly, my spirit is not in that place right now. There was a time when it was, and maybe there will be a time again. But right now my focus is on the micro versus the macro. And the further down the road of motherhood I go, I see more and more the reflecting dance of the macro and micro.
We all are one? Aren’t we.
So when the books read “Stop the Violence on (fill in the blank)” “In Sickness and Wealth” “Create Dangerously” and others…. I realize that I am living life struggles everyday within my little family world. And right now my focus is so small yet every detail and fiber is just as important as the BIG, right now with my current energy and state of my mind, I can only focus my attention on my little unit.
And I’m not angry right now. I really know that place of ANGER. And Anger gets you moving. Get’s you moving in the direction away from what you Don’t want. I’ve been there many many times. But honestly right now, I’m not angry. Annoyed and Frustrated at times but not angry. More than anything, I’ve been hungry for Peace.
Peace.
Harmony.
Satisfaction.
Enjoyment.
Delight.
Peace.
And these two little boys DO Keep It Interesting. So when I have those fleeting moments of peace, I’m learning to revel in them for they are fleeting. Yes, there’s so much injustice, pain, just plain ugliness in all its forms Out There but there’s just as much Beauty Full moments, people and places too. Just a matter of shifting your perspective to see what you want to see.
Living out here in Hawaii has given me the blessed gift of seeing rainbows often, the big leprechaun kine (kine=kind). And in order for there to be a rainbow you need both Rain and Sun but to actually See the rainbow, you yourself must be positioned to see it. If you’re positioned too close or too far, or just plain looking in the wrong direction you’re not going to see it. But it’s there. And that’s the thing about rainbows. They will exist with or without you noticing them but it’s oh so enjoyable when you do.
So I’m learning how to balance the heavy and the light. Too heavy, you’re weighed down. Too light, and you’re inconsequential. But the dance between the two, now you’re making rainbows. But just make sure you encircle yourself w folk who can see and appreciate your multi-colorful-dimensional self.
And my last little tidbit: Patience.
My lil’ bits continue to teach me this lesson. I’ve been flunking. but I think I may have scored a D- tonight. YAY! While nursing Ade tonight, I felt like he had had enough (aka he was taking too long) and popped him off the boob. But my higher self reminded me: be patient. what IS is necessary for what’s to come. You know he will be finished. This will not last forever. Be patient. Wait. So I let him relatch and he did just that. It only took a few more minutes but I made myself just relax and BE.
Patience: being peacefully and gracefully Present with what IS with the knowing that what IS is necessary for what’s to come.
