Getting clear, clean and conscious.
What is really driving my desires, wants and wishes? What is at the core of the apple in my eye?
My recent apple: to express myself BIG in the world, Affect the Masses, have a Big Dream, larger-than-life Goal for myself. But when I really get thinking about Doing It All, I just want to lie down and take a nap.
In the recent years since becoming a mommy that chooses to dedicate her days to the care of her children, I get conflicted with my role of being a “stay-at-home-mom”.
I LOVE LOVE my kids, my husband and our home life. We have it good. It’s not easy but it’s good. We eat healthy food, we live in paradise, we laugh every day, we are healthy, we have loving family and friends. Yet, with all this good stuff around me, I still feel like I’m not doing enough.
I have many sister friends who are doing Great Big Things in the world. These lovely women inspire me. But sometimes I feel something other than inspiration. I thought it was envy. But it’s not. Tonight I found the name for what I feel. The core of my apple: Fear.
I feel fearful of being left behind.
It happened before and its the worse feeling. Ever.
It was first grade. The class was ready to line up for dismissal but I was still trying to get on those damn rain boots. You know the galoshes that you pull over your shoes but almost never really slip over them. With great difficulty, I kept trying to get those funky red boots over my shoes but couldn’t. My teacher tried to wait, but decided to take the rest of the class out of the building and have me wait in the classroom alone. They left me. So I decided to push my feet halfway into the boots and wobble down the stairs all by myself. The stairwell was dark and empty. I felt scared but was determined to get out. And I did.
As you can see, I can recall this moment as if it just happened. Crazy, right?
Fear. Unresolved issues. The wounded child. Wounded perception.
My amazing women friends are expressing themselves in the most extraordinary ways (it’s really awesome). While I find myself perfecting the life of the ordinary: aka struggling with those damn boots still.
The extraordinary feats of my friends sometimes make me feel like I must do more, be more, have more to be worthy of their company (or anyone else doing great and exceptional things). Dream Big and Rise to the Occasion (instead of lying down and napping) because it scares me to think I may get left behind. And as I perceive a divide, it gets harder for me to relate the mundane of my life like the poop stories (the mystery of the daily synchronized poops of our 2 and 4 year old sons) to a person I see as living their life so Big and Grand and beyond the poop.
But. Everybody Poops.
Its time for me to name it. Claim it. Reframe it.
Yup. Sometimes I’m motivated by fear and it’s important for me to recognize this fear. Feeling a sense of belonging, inclusion, and being needed are very important to me and all wrapped up in my idea of self-worth. And fear flares up whenever I see anything that looks like i-am-not-needed-wanted-worthy-enough.
Its time for me to reframe this broken perception. See things as they really are. I am determined to get out of this dark stairwell and into the light of day.
to be continued….
very interesting. it IS all about perception. those things your friends are doing that seem BIG, are simply your perception of what they are doing. you are shaping the lives and perceptions of young minds. from where I stand, that’s BIGGER than BIG. that’s HUGE. that was also a choice you made. a path you decided to take. a FEARLESS one. can you see that?
I am beginning to see. Thanks. 🙂
Fear is the doorway to the unknown self
And I’m walking through it eyes wide open ready to greet what’s waiting on the other side. 🙂
ASHE. So often that is what is at the core of the feelings of “not enough”…fear. Thank you for naming it.
Thank you. Yes, a wise woman once said naming what you fear, saying it out loud, bringing it out in the light of day, lessens its power over you.
Yes, fear is the thing that keeps us all chained to the “obvious” and the every day. Like you, I struggle with the fact that prioritizing a family is not seen as glamorous or “big”. My goals are a little more modest than yours perhaps, but then again, as a teacher, I get to affect people every working day which is more than many other folks can hope to do. So grapple with your fear. Do the work to overcome the fears that hold you back. Stay vigilant for the way they slide back in when you think you have them all tied up and buried in a safe place.
The Buddhists are right I think in the sense that constant struggle against our own worse natures is the fundamental task that those who seek enlightenment must undertake.
It’s not as easy as the standard American (Hollywood) notion of linear progress and convenient triumph. It’s not as glamorous as the glossy magazines and breathless editorials have it. It’s not (always) as fun as the obvious high points in one’s life.
But it is deeply satisfying and ultimately rewarding.
The alternative is to run from fear, but since the fear is already inside you, that won’t actually work.
Thanks Chris! Yes, I agree totally. And I’m through running from the fear. You’re right, its the shadow that will always be there in the absence of light. So yes, I on the journey for bringing more light into my life. Mahalo!