I feel excited about life. I’m not really sure why but I’ve been getting this feeling that I love loving life. No, don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments (daily) where I’m super pissed at something/somebody and I get to acting ignorant and thinking crazy thoughts. Yes, I still have those moments. A bit too many for my taste but I come back to sanity quickly or I really don’t allow myself to truly go insane in the membrane. I don’t know if it’s maturity or wisdom or just getting plain too old to act too stupid (aka childish). Yup, childish. Most of my moments when I feel myself losing it, it’s around something with either of the two little ones. And I catch myself mid-scream thinking to myself “so you’re going throw a tantrum too? And you’re supposed to be the adult?” or “now, was that Really necessary” or “who are you really punishing him or you?”.
These two little kids are doing a double take on me. On one hand, they are forcing me to grow the H. E. double hockey sticks up and yet at the same time they are reawakening the youthful qualities of innocence, wonder and awe of life. Making me take a moment to Be Present and in the moment to: look at an ant, to listen to the birds chirping, to decipher squiggly lines as “mommy and me”, to listen for the silence of a little one getting into something (usually the toilet), to recognize the signs of the gotta-go-pee-but-don’t-want-to-stop-playing-dance, to answer the repetitive question ” Mommy, want to play with me?”.
I feel like my innards are morphing and what I am to become is unknown to me but I’m really looking forward to the surprise. Maybe like a butterfly? Maybe like a rising cake? Mmmmmm. Chocolate.
I’m not one of those people who have a 5 year-plan, goal setting every step of their lives. I truly admire those people who can do this and sometimes even envy them (OK, too many times). Because I want to be like them but I’m not there yet. Right now loving me, loving my life, and loving life is my immediate focus and goal. And I’m excited that I feel as though I am accomplishing this.
I recently attended a wedding in Alaska and I was surrounded by Love itself. And it felt tremendously GOOD. So good you want to cry (yes, I did shed a couple of tears). And it reminded me that we are all walking reflections of the love that our communities pour into us. Whether the love comes from family, friends, romantic relationships, your dog, whoever, whatever brings you joy, our communities (yes, web communities count) hold us, account for us, and grow us into the people we are by the relationships within our communities. And no healthy relationship is free from from challenges, because health implies growth and growth implies change and change is merely an alteration of form and yet the substance of who we really are, is constant, ever being, ever more.