Here I am affected. In a way that I don’t understand. I consider myself book smart, street smart and plain old fashioned intelligent. But this. This here. What I am feeling. I do not understand.
I talk, talk, talk about it, I read about other people’s experiences with this loss, externally I am doing what any intellectual would do – analyze it (to death). Its been 9 days and 9 nights since The Day. My emotions have been all over the place yet I want to know why? Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel this in my body? All the book smart, street smart within me has no explanation. So I search. I search online, I search blogs, I search other people’s stories, I listen and listen again and again to the music.
“So many reasons why
There’s so many reasons why
I don’t belong here
But now that I am I
Without fear I am
Gonna conquer with no fear
Until I find my way back home”
And all I get is a deeper bond with this being. A deeper belonging. A deeper feeling of space. Emptiness??? Doesn’t feel like that. But like something was there but now is gone – ripped out. And in its place is the tenderness of the circumference points of attachment. Just a huge awareness of the detachment. The missing piece. But how can that be?
And this my friends is where the intellect in me wants answers. Searching for answers. Because when I am too still not looking for an explanation, that feeling, uncomfortable, real, physical feeling takes hold of my attention. Then I’m forced to feel it. To feel what it feels like to _______ . And here is the mystery. What really happened? What am I feeling? I never met Him face to face. Never held His hand.
Yet His transition and my reaction to it speaks volumes…..but WHAT is that message. I don’t know. But I do know it is real and feeling my feelings I realize is something I must learn to do. This is part of my journey that is beyond my mind’s world understanding. This is Soul Domain. This the the realm of Beyond the Physical yet so very physical.
I had to share and place these thoughts outside of my head.
Thank you for compassionately listening my purple hearted friends.