name names

Getting clear, clean and conscious.

What is really driving my desires, wants and wishes? What is at the core of the apple in my eye?

My recent apple: to express myself BIG in the world, Affect the Masses, have a Big Dream, larger-than-life Goal for myself. But when I really get thinking about Doing It All, I just want to lie down and take a nap.

In the recent years since becoming a mommy that chooses to dedicate her days to the care of her children, I get conflicted with my role of being a “stay-at-home-mom”.

I LOVE LOVE my kids, my husband and our home life. We have it good. It’s not easy but it’s good. We eat healthy food, we live in paradise, we laugh every day, we are healthy, we have loving family and friends.  Yet, with all this good stuff around me, I still feel like I’m not doing enough.

I have many sister friends who are doing Great Big Things in the world. These lovely women inspire me. But sometimes I feel something other than inspiration. I thought it was envy. But it’s not. Tonight I found the name for what I feel. The core of my apple: Fear.

I feel fearful of being left behind.

It happened before and its the worse feeling. Ever.

It was first grade. The class was ready to line up for dismissal but I was still trying to get on those damn rain boots. You know the galoshes that you pull over your shoes but almost never really slip over them. With great difficulty, I kept trying to get those funky red boots over my shoes but couldn’t. My teacher tried to wait, but decided to take the rest of the class out of the building and have me wait in the classroom alone. They left me. So I decided to push my feet halfway into the boots and wobble down the stairs all by myself. The stairwell was dark and empty. I felt scared but was determined to get out. And I did.

As you can see, I can recall this moment as if it just happened. Crazy, right?

Naming names.

Fear. Unresolved issues. The wounded child. Wounded perception.

My amazing women friends are expressing themselves in the most extraordinary ways (it’s really awesome). While I find myself perfecting the life of the ordinary: aka struggling with those damn boots still.

The extraordinary feats of my friends sometimes make me feel like I must do more, be more, have more to be worthy of their company (or anyone else doing great and exceptional things). Dream Big and Rise to the Occasion (instead of lying down and napping) because it scares me to think I may get left behind. And as I perceive a divide, it gets harder for me to relate the mundane of my life like the poop stories (the mystery of the daily synchronized poops of our 2 and 4 year old sons) to a person I see as living their life so Big and Grand and beyond the poop.

But. Everybody Poops.

Its time for me to name it. Claim it. Reframe it.


Yup. Sometimes I’m motivated by fear and it’s important for me to recognize this fear. Feeling a sense of belonging, inclusion, and being needed are very important to me and all wrapped up in my idea of self-worth.  And fear flares up whenever I see anything that looks like i-am-not-needed-wanted-worthy-enough.

Its time for me to reframe this broken perception. See things as they really are. I am determined to get out of this dark stairwell and into the light of day.

to be continued….