Living life as a thank you.
Today my heart broke. I was saddened by an experience I witnessed my son having. Sadness washed over me seeing the hurt, the fear, the humiliation on his face. All the emotions he felt was experienced in my body. I wish I could rewind and edit, backspace and delete this unwanted file. Make it gone. But it happened. And in the aftermath, I’ve been trying to see the light. What can we learn? What can I be thankful for in this experience?
Maybe its too soon to even write about it here but I felt a need to use my creative muscle as a way to transform, transmute the sadness, the guilt. Yes, I feel guilt for not being able to shield my son from this experience. I feel responsible for not better preparing him or myself for such an ugly experience. As I rewind the scene, thoughts of would’ve should’ve could’ve play over and over. But it happened. That moment in time happened and now its over, yet I find myself playing it over and over again. Reliving the hurt.
So here I am showing up using this writing tool as a way to create a different scene in my mind. A scene where I rebound quicker and faster with every fall. Where I forgive quicker and easier myself and others. Where I accept grace and accept innocence in life and living. Where I recognize the rose among the thorns: the feelings of pain, hurt, upset amidst the beautiful blossoming flowers of people.
Yes, this other person who in my eyes violated my son’s emotional safety, she herself is another blossoming flower. We each are like blossoming roses needing shielding. Right now, that is much of our shared nature, to hurt others in defense of our well-being. I could hear the pain in her own loud voice, a voice vibrating with much aggression that it repelled any desire to interact with that vibration. Instead, all I could do was be a witness and call out to my son. But my voice was drowned out in her raging sea. He couldn’t hear me. His ears were being pricked with her thorns. His eyes told it all. The pain. He peed himself he was so scared.
I did all I could in the aftermath to console, love, cuddle, swathe him in my light. But I also recognized I also needed some soul salve. So here I am self-medicating through creativity.
Thank you emotions. Thank you expression. Thank you experience.