i have a Condition of the Heart. Through tender puffy eyes i write this. Thursday, i got news that my friend died. i woke up to texts and missed calls. Something in the Water. Does not compute.
So i do my day. i get dressed. Reach for my Prince T-shirt and wear him close to my heart all day. i take the boys to their activities filled with other parents and children. After interacting with approx. 50 adults in 2 different settings and only 2 parents acknowledged my friend on my heart, it was easy to think it wasn’t real. But i felt funny all day. i wasn’t sure if my pain in my heart was really there or not. i wasn’t sure if the tears beckoning to run down my cheeks were valid or not. Confused i listened to my All Things Prince playlist. Listening for clues, determined to hear the message.
Elephants and Flowers. Mountains. Everywhere.
i search online for clips, info, anything to prove that he did exist on the same plane as me. i find out that his numerology # is 9 just like me! Listen to some more music, get teary eyed then i go to bed and sleep.
i wake up.
If i ever held a hand, it was only because i never held your hand…
He’s still not here. He’s really dead. My heart is heavy. i do the morning tasks of mother/wife: cook breakfast, take kids to field trip, library, then WHAM! It hits like a ton of bricks. i can’t stop the tears now. The flood gates open. The boys are curious. i can’t deny or hide what I’m feeling so i do my best to explain to my 6 year old why Mommy is crying. And he gives me the most gentlest and precious gift – the gift of compassion – he holds me, hugs me, and cries with me.
What he (Prince) would if he could write me:
Sometimes it Snows in April. And When the Doves Cry, Still Would Stand All Time. There is Joy In Repetition. I come back as One of Your Tears. Can’t Stop This Feeling I Got that you my Darling Nikki are Beautiful, Loved & Blessed.
So Dance On!
And my reply to him:
Thank you for being my Soul Sanctuary. I Adore you. Life Can Be So Nice with you Forever in My Life. For You, I Wish U Heaven.
My Love Is Forever.
Rest In Peace and Eternal Light.
“….the Dagara believe it is terrible to suppress one’s grief. Only by passionate expression can loss be tamed and assimilated into a form one can live with. The Dagara also believe that the dead have a right to collect their share of tears. A spirit who is not passionately grieved feels anger and disappointment, as if their right to be completely dead has been stolen from them…..Public grief is cleansing – of vital importance to the whole community.” –Malidoma Patrice Some (Of Water and the Spirit).
Thank you my Prince community for creating a safe space to share my grief.